On creating your own meaning
Spoiler alert: turns out life is suffering and doesn't possess any inherent meaning
Dear readers,
Thank you for the long and patient wait since my last post many months ago. I was going through a period of extreme work stress, followed predictably by health issues, followed even more predictably by burnout. Life wasn’t life-ing as hoped and I retreated very much into my shell. But I’m back now! And I hope and pray that I will be punctual going forward. While I write mostly as a means to make sense of the world, I appreciate each and every one of you for sticking around and reading my humble ruminations. Now onto today’s post!
Appa’s sage advice
A difficult project I was staffed on finally came to an end last Friday and I had a weekend to myself after three whole months. I was ready to carpe diem pro max it but instead I spent it alternating between sleeping and being enraged at my managers, and then myself. I was angry at myself for staying, I was angry at myself for letting their opinions matter, and then I was angry at myself for being angry.1
I finally reached out to my ever wise (and frequently annoying about it) father and told him that I needed some urgent philosophical wisdom to help climb out of the spiral I was drowning in. He helped immensely; either that or maybe I was finally in the headspace to listen to what he’d been trying to tell me for a while now.2
His advice, in essence, was this:
I’m sorry kano, but life is suffering. Everyone in your life is going through some problem(s). Your problem may be unique to you because no one else is living quite the same life as you, but having problems is part of the human experience.
If you really think about it, you’ll realise you’d rather deal with your problems than another’s.
You have to make your own meaning, and sometimes you will have to try really hard to do so.
Come home, relax and rejuvenate for a bit.
Feeling much calmer after speaking with my father and wanting that feeling of peace to last just a little bit longer, I began listening to 1990’s to early 2000’s Tamil love songs3 on YouTube.
The algorithm4 made me stumble upon Nila Kaigiradhu, a song which released when I was one year old, and only really heard on family road trips growing up. I had always remembered it for Hariharan’s angelic voice and knew the first two verses out of habit, but for some reason, I paid attention to its lyrics this time. When I looked up the lyrics, I realised that the male and female versions of the song had slightly different verses!5
Life meets art meets life meets God
The male version of the song laments the lack of purpose, while the female version asks to create your own. For example, this verse goes as follows:6
Male version:
அதோ போகின்றது கானல் மேகம் மழையை காணவில்லையே
இதோ கேட்கின்றது குயிலின் சோகம் இசையும் கேட்டுகவில்லையே
There goes the mirage of a cloud, yet I see no rain,
Over here I hear the koel’s sorrow, yet I cannot hear its music
Female version:
அதோ போகின்றது ஆசை மேகம் மழையை கேட்டுக்கொள்ளுங்கள்
இதோ கேட்கின்றது குயிலின் பாடல் இசையை கேட்டுக்கொள்ளுங்கள்
There goes a wishful/dear cloud, ask for and/or hear the rain,
Over here you hear the koel’s song, ask for and/or hear its music
How serendipitous to listen to a piece of art that spoke to exactly what I was feeling then! It felt like a sign from the universe that we’ve got this, and that I was on the right path to healing and growing.
Now onto finding out what creating my own meaning looks like!
To sum it all up,
Thank you for reading. If you’d like to read more of my introspections coupled with unserious intrusive thoughts in the footnotes,7 consider subscribing and these posts will be delivered piping hot to your inbox!
Outros and recommendations
Kishen Das recently posted a thread of IG stories on his attachment to his G-Shock watch and as an only child who is deeply attached to every inanimate object I own - they’ve journeyed with us and witnessed our evolution! - I felt so seen T_T
This line altered my brain chemistry a little. Highly recommend reading the entire post on the freedom to dislike and be disliked (linked below) -
“You can accept someone for who they are and also accept that you don’t like them”
‘Avatar the Last Airbender’, the animated series, is finally available on streaming (legally) in India! It’s on Jio Cinema. Please watch and re-watch it. The show aired on Nickelodeon from 2005 to 2008, a whopping 16 years ago, and is still the best animated series ever created. Tackling topics like war, genocide, colonialism, spirituality, redemption, and destiny, while still being goofy and playful, it’s one of those once-in-a-generation masterpieces that will always be relevant and relatable. Aap convince ho gaye ya main aur bolu?
Until our next conversation,
Sruthi
p.s. The lyricist for Nila Kaigiradhu and a majority of the beloved songs from that era is Vairamuthu, a man who has been accused of sexual harassment. He enjoys tremendous support from the powers that be within and outside the Tamil film industry, while his victims (including the prominent playback singer Chinmayi) have been shadow banned by the film fraternity for calling him out. The discussion on separating the art from the artist (especially when the artist is a lyricist) requires much more nuance than a postscript can accommodate, but I hope and pray that Chinmayi’s recent return to dubbing and playback singing and Mani Ratnam choosing to work with Ilango Krishnan for ‘Ponniyin Selvan’ is a sign that the winds are changing in the Tamil film industry.
Overall 2/10 experience, will not recommend.
Or, well, a combination of both?
No. 1 comfort genre - LoFi beats, beautiful lyrics, nostalgic memories of growing up, AR Rahman growing into his legacy - just perfection!
The YouTube algorithm is genuinely better than Spotify. But oh! The Spotify user interface, end-of-year lists, and blends!
This wouldn’t be worth exclaiming for someone who already knew, but keep in mind I discovered this after three decades of listening to this song.
My translation prowess is middling at best, so bear with me please.
Footnotes are heavy-duty in my line of work (think assiduously sourced and rigorously formatted); making my substack post footnotes as unserious as possible is my way of fighting back against the system.